


you will never be alone

by okayhotshot



Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, this talks a lot about Julia and her death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayhotshot/pseuds/okayhotshot
Summary: And nothing had ever felt so right before. Her breath formed a cloud in the air with every exhale, her cheeks were rosy red, and her small hand clung to yours for support. You knew right then and you never wanted to stop knowing. But you did. Eventually life and all the cruelties of reality settled in and she was taken from you, and you’re left with nothing but memories.





	you will never be alone

You weren’t sure how it would feel to return to Raven’s Roost. You’d never really thought about going back. It was a piece of your past that you didn’t want to touch again. After you lost her, after they burned everything in Craftsman Corridor to the ground, you wanted as far away from there as possible. So you ran, and you never remembered running before. 

You always stood strong through everything, but after she was gone, you didn’t care. You headed straight into battle without a thought in your fragile mind, and you rushed in without a care in the world. If you died, that’s just how it would end. You didn’t have to go on living, but you chose to do so anyway, acting as if your reckless behavior wasn’t going to someday get you killed, that charging into battle wasn’t your own version of attempting to end your own life.

You had never known yourself to fall apart like this, even though weight of loss in your chest as all too familiar once Julia was gone, almost like this wasn’t the first time you’d lost someone that you loved so much that it changed how you looked at the world. But of course you hadn’t. There was no one like Julia. There would never be anyone like her again. The world was kind enough to give her to you and they snatched her away just as quickly. At the time, you hadn’t understood why she had been taken from you. You wondered constantly what you had done wrong to deserve such pain, the horrid, sunken, dead feeling in your chest. But now that you know what you know, you can see that maybe you weren’t as deserving of her love as you once thought you were.

It’s strange standing at the end of the road of what was once known as Craftsman Corridor. You once believed you grew up here, that life had taken you away from Raven’s Roost only to bring you back again, and you stumbled your way into Steven Waxmen’s shop. You don’t really remember what you were looking for now. And it doesn’t really matter. Stepping into that shop got you much more than you bargained for but you wouldn’t change it for anything now. In fact, you’d do just about anything to live it over again, to have just one more day in that shop, one more day with Julia’s smiling face.  **_Just one more day._ **

And now you know the truth. Lucretia planted you here. Stole all of your memories and put you here. Part of you is angry, because now you remember. You remember everything. You were right, to think that you once loved someone so much that it hurt like hell to lose them, but they weren’t Julia, and that’s okay. You loved her anyway, and you still love her, just as you will always love Julia. You were right to wonder why Raven’s Roost, even though you were sure you grew up there, always felt brand new.

The other part of you is grateful. If Lucretia hadn’t done what she did, you would have never met Julia. You would have never known the woman that touched your soul. That made you want to be the best man that you could be. You would have never known her love, and the idea that that is possible terrifies you. You can’t imagine a world were she didn’t exist at least for a little while.

Your footsteps feel heavy as you start walking down the street. This area of town never quite recovered from the attack, and you can still tell. The buildings are small and haphazardly put together. They look as though they have been built from the charred remains of what used to be, and you feel like someone has reached into your chest and started wrenching your heart by hand. This was your home, this was the home you and Julia decided on together and it is still broken and crumbling and hurting, and there’s only so much that you can do to help it.

Eyes are following you as you walk down the dirt road, and you know why. You saved the world. Not alone, of course, but you were part of the puzzle of people that somehow perfectly fit together well enough to save not just the world, but the entire universe as you know it. It’s been weeks now since that day, but you can’t go anywhere without whispering following you, and you think it might be that way for the rest of your life.

Thankfully, no one stops you as you approach where the shop used to be.  _ Hammer & Tong  _ was home for you. There you not only found her, but you found a place where you belonged and at the time, you felt so out of place, that it was much needed. Now, of course, you realize, it’s because your family, your friends, were pulled from you and you lost the memories that went with them. That’s why you felt so lonely. That’s why you felt as though you didn’t have a place. But with Julia and her father, you found another place where you could grow. You found another place where you belonged and flourished and felt safe.

No one has tried to build anything in place of the shop, and you’re grateful for that. If you had come back after all this time only to see something else in its place, you don’t think the scene would have been pretty. Not that it was the last time you were here, either. The last time you were here, you were digging through simmering rubble, calling out Julia’s name, begging, crying, screaming, hoping that you would find her alive and well, but you knew better. Even as you were sifting through embers, tears clouding your vision, you knew that it was no use. Somehow, you knew she was gone.

You aren’t aware that you’ve fallen to your knees until a few minutes after it happens. You feel the cold, unforgiving dirt digging into your flesh and you sigh a shaky sigh. You don’t hear Lup approaching, more like you feel it. She isn’t back in her body. Not yet. And you know Barry is determined to make that a reality for her. You hope that he can.

“You okay?” a familiar voice says from behind you.

You try your best to suck it up, to wipe away your tears, but you’re not sure why. Lup has always been able to see you at your most vulnerable and she’s never judged you. She isn’t about to start now.

“Not really,” you say after a long silence, eyes on the small bit of rubble that remains in place of where  _ Hammer & Tong _ once stood. The villagers must have cleared it or used what remained for their makeshift buildings. You’re glad. You’re not sure that you could have handled clearing it away yourself, even with Lup there for moral support.

“Is this what it looked like when you found it?”

“It was worse,” you tell her, still not looking away from the spot where your home once stood. “This entire street was nothing but fire and embers and charred wood and smoke.”

Her hand comes down to rest on your shoulder and even though you can’t really feel it, you appreciate the sentiment all the same. “Why’d you want to come back, big guy?”

You take a deep breath, closing your eyes for a moment. You’re not entirely sure. Several things were pulling You back to Raven’s Roost. There was the chance that you could make things right. That you could help the town rebuild and start to thrive again. There was the off chance that you wanted to say goodbye. You never really gave Julia and Steven the service they deserved. You were too heartbroken, too devastated to even think of doing such a thing. Then there was a chance for new beginnings. You could make your home here once again and start trying to live the life that you’ve been given over and over and over again.

“First,” you start, standing up and walking to the small remnants of the rubble. “I want to clear what’s left of this.”

Taking it one step at a time is better than dumping everything on Lup all at once. It’s better than pouring your heart out to your friend in the middle of the street. She nods and follows you over. She can’t do a lot to help, but it means a lot that she’s there. It means more to you that she agreed to come with than you could ever possibly put into words.

A comfortable silence falls between the two of you as you start to move boards and beams, staking them to the side to be hauled away later. It’s tedious work, but you want it done. Maybe you can build something in its place, something that will bring business back to the Corridor. But you’re distracted when something shining catches your eye from in between two pieces of wood and you bend down to pick it up. And when you realize what it is, your heart falls into the pit of your stomach and you feel like your entire world has been turned upside down. It’s a wedding. And not just any wedding ring: it’s Julia’s.

You had never let yourself wonder what happened to it before. You assumed it had melted away, been stolen, or whoever eventually dug their bodies out of the rubble had buried it with her. But there it is, not melted, not buried, and only slight touched and damaged by time and weather. You examine it closely, thinking that you must be dreaming, but you’re not. There’s no doubt. None. And your first grips around the tiny band of metal and your entire body is shaking. Tears form in the corners of your eyes and the sob that you try to hold back escapes you without warning.

Memories come flooding in before you can stop them, and for a moment, it’s almost like you’re back in time. You see Julia standing in the shop, with her long brown hair and wide smile, sparking laughter and small hands. You loved her. Every last bit of her. You remember the moment you realized it. The moment you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. It was such a simple moment. You told a stupid joke and her laugh pierced the winter air and you knew you wanted to spend forever making her laugh. And nothing had ever felt so right before. Her breath formed a cloud in the air with every exhale, her cheeks were rosy red, and her small hand clung to yours for support. You knew right then and you never wanted to stop knowing. But you did. Eventually life and all the cruelties of reality settled in and she was taken from you, and you’re left with nothing but memories.

Perhaps you should be grateful that you have those. There was a time when you didn’t even remember most of your life. There’s a reality that exists somewhere where you don’t remember the sound of her laughter, the twinkle that sparked up her eye when she looked at you. And you’re thankful that you aren’t a part of that reality. It’s better to have the memories to hold onto than knowing nothing of the woman that changed your entire point of view.

You’re sure that Lup has taken notice of your pause, of the wretched sob that escapes you, but you can’t bring yourself to care. For the longest time, all you had of her were those memories. Your home, your life together was burned away. (And you hate that you can’t remember who took her from you  but that was the price you paid in Wonderland and you’re lucky that’s one of the only things you still took away from that experience)  But now you have her ring, and you have something solid of her to hold onto, but you still don’t know how you’re supposed to feel.

You think back to the day you put on her finger. You had never seen someone look so beautiful in all your life. It wasn’t that she had done anything special to get dressed up, you both had decided that didn’t matter, but it was the look of happiness on her face, that look of pure bliss that you just knew she couldn’t fabricate even if she wanted to. It was real and it touched every crevice of your soul, touched the entire meaning of your being, and you will never forget how that felt. To know that you loved her so much and she loved you in return.

You finally open your hand, glancing down at the small golden band once again. It feels like your heart is being ripped in two and then mended together all at the same time. One piece is put back together but another falls, but then it’s put right back into place. It’s the most bittersweet feeling that you’ve ever experienced.

“I spent a whole paycheck on these,” you tell Lup, holding out the ring for her to see. It’s in your left hand, so it’s not hard to tell that it matches the one you still wear around your finger. “It’s not real gold. We couldn’t really afford it. But the minute I told Steven I wanted to marry his daughter, her couldn’t have been better about it. He helped me buy food that pay period, offered to work it off, but he wouldn’t let me. Said a couple weeks worth of groceries was worth a lifetime of happiness for Julia.”

Lup is quiet for a long moment, focused on the ring in your hand. “I can’t imagine how you feel right now. I’m so sorry, Magnus.”

And you want to tell her she has nothing to be sorry for. None of this is her fault. She couldn’t have stopped it. As awful as it may be, as much as it may hurt, this is how things are, and how they were meant to be. No amount of sorries or sympathy will change that, but you still appreciate her words all the same.

“Thank you,” you tell her, offering her a small smile, and she chooses to try and rest her hand on your shoulder again, and you wish more than anything you could hug her.

You may not have Julia, but at least you have Lup. At least you have all of your friends, your family. You don’t know where you would be without them. They’ve saved your life more times than you could ever possibly repay them for and they’re here for you whenever you need anything. At least you’re not alone.

You take the chain from around your neck and slip Julia’s ring onto it, and sling it back on. The metal pressed against your chest, right over your heart and for a moment, you swear, you can hear her laughter in the evening air. And you start to move the rubble again, this time, with a little less caution, content in the fact that no matter where you are, you will never be alone.


End file.
